You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
