The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
