DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
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You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
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You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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