My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
