There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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