If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
