Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
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I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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