i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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