oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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