Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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