I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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