at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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