Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
