she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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