How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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