I am midnight drunk by noon
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
