I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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