sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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