I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize