Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
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i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
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Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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