I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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