I CAN MOONWALK!
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
