I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
