2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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