News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
