I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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