I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You've changed since you got that strap on
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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