I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
