And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
