This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
if only i could text you this smell
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
