Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
