we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
