I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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