In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
