Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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