If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
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My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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