How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
