god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a