i think i have herpe
just one?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
We are all done wearing pants today
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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