Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
