I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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