I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
