Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
