Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
