3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
