1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
