the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
