There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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