Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
