In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
