i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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