things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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