It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
i believe in u and ur pee
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
