Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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