she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
